Post by criterionmaster on Nov 30, 2006 12:38:04 GMT -5
1. Mel Gibson
The good news is that Mel finally has something in common with the most popular man in America. The bad news is that Borat hates Jews too. In even worse news, Borat is fictional and he was joking. With Mel, we’re not quite sure.
During his now historical 2006 DUI arrest, Mel claimed he “owns Malibu,” resisted arrest, called a female officer “sugar-tits” and, in keeping with the latent anti-Semitic tendencies he had been denying for so long, asked the arresting officers if they were Jewish, following up with, “Fucking Jews... The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world.” The explosion you heard? That was Mel’s career.
He apologized, he got sick of apologizing, he refused to apologize anymore, he didn't want to address the issue, he spoke on nationally broadcast news shows, he spoke at synagogues, he met with Jewish Officials. But in the end, in all his “I’m really not anti-Semitic” posturing, he never bothered to address how irresponsible he was for driving under the influence in the first place. And now he’s got a new movie opening, “Apocalypto,” and the question becomes: who cares?
Anti-Freeze: Entered rehab? Check. Apologized to studio heads? Check. You’ll bounce back, Mel. And for your next film, team up with Sacha Baron Cohen for a “Borat” sequel that takes the two of you on a wacky road trip to Israel, home of the horned devils themselves.
2. Jennifer Aniston
We’ll be there for you, as the films start to bomb. Chin up, 2006 was a horrible year for you at the box office and the tabloids, but “The Break-Up” did own the top spot for a week during the summer. That’s something, right?
Anti-Freeze: Get a new haircut. It’s always worked for you in the past.
3. Borat
How can the top box office winner for two straight weeks be on the Frigid 50 already? Simple: there’s no future for Borat. The surprise-faux-documentary filmmaking style won’t work a second time, the participants of the first film keep bringing lawsuits and Borat has gone from cute and misunderstood to recognizable and annoying, even getting physically assaulted in NYC after his “Saturday Night Live” taping.
Anti-Freeze: We’re serious about teaming up with Mel Gibson in the Holy Land; it may be the only way Borat can live on.
4. Lindsay Lohan
My girl wants to party all the time, party all the time, party all the time. Coming to set late due to “exhaustion,” cracking up cars after “Herbie” flashbacks and paparazzi-wrangling and getting a note sent home from the principal, er, producer of a major studio has Lindsay using her career to cool her martini. What are you, a kid or something?
Anti-Freeze: Pace yourself, drink lots of water and hit the Tylenol before you fall asleep. And don’t worry, we’ve all been there.
5. Wesley Snipes
The Daywalker’s phony passport a year ago was apparently the call for help, and now he’s been indicted on 8 counts of tax fraud totaling over $12 million owed to the US government.
Anti-Freeze: Always bet on black. Perhaps you can win back the money you owe the government.
6. Mark Cuban
Hey, how about releasing a movie simultaneously in theaters, on DVD, and on TV? We’ve got a better idea – how about flushing money down the toilet – the results would be the same. Steven Soderbergh's "Bubble," the first and probably last movie designed for such a release, literally burst upon impact in this cockamamie distribution scheme back in January. Not surprisingly, Cuban is spending more time watching the Dallas Mavericks and screaming about Google’s acquisition of YouTube than rewriting the laws of distribution.
Anti-Freeze: Think outside the traditional theatrical release and shuck DVDs for internet download-on-demand.
7. Tara Reid
Don’t feel bad about the botched breast surgery; you have to embrace that which makes you different. Show them off, draw smiley faces on them, perform plays for sick children with them… own your dysfunction. There, done crying? Good, now let’s talk about your nonexistent movie career…
Anti-Freeze: Thunderdome between Reid and Paris Hilton, televised on Pay-Per-View, with the winner receiving line cutting privileges at every major club in Los Angeles.
8. Lonelygirl15
Everyone pines for that big break, and thanks to the internet Lonelygirl15 went from being an out-of-work actress pretending to be a 15 year-old videoblogger to being an extremely popular out-of-work actress pretending to be a 15 year-old videoblogger. All this ultimately proved was the theory that most people on the internet want to watch a 15 year-old girl in her bedroom talking on a webcam. Creepy, ain’t it?
Anti-Freeze: Change your name, never cop to being Lonelygirl15 in the future and pay your dues like every other actor out there.
9. Movie Critics
Roger Ebert, a national treasure and America’s last great critic, hasn’t written a review since the summer. Ebert is quietly recovering even while his show continues with a slew of guest hosts. But honestly, who cares what critics think? Not you - you people helped crap like “X-Men: The Last Stand” gross $200 million in spite of what the critics said; and not movie studios, who are making critics increasingly irrelevant by refusing to screen more and more movies in advance. The word is out: the real critics to listen to are the audience, and with everyone and their mother writing blogs or running their own website, the days of the elitist critic are over. I mean, the fact that all the “writers” on the Film Threat web site hold day jobs should tell you something – we’re either lousy critics or realists. And Chris Gore? Have you read a review from this guy?
Anti-Freeze: Hope Roger Ebert has a full and healthy recovery, cementing the place of film criticism for as long as he draws breath. Get well Roger. We love you and you are missed!
10. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes
The King and Queen of the 2005 Frigid 50 find themselves as frozen as ever. Tom got ousted from one studio just to try and resurrect another after a short dalliance with the owner of the Washington Redskins, while Katie has no film career to speak of since giving birth to their child.
Anti-Freeze: Teach Suri to sing as soon as possible and start traveling the country as “The Aristocrats.”
11. The Movie Theater Experience
Going to the movies isn't the pleasure it once was, when cell phones weren't so pervasive, when parents knew how to discipline their children in public and when a ticket along with parking and refreshments didn't cost more than your monthly rent. Now you can buy three DVDs for the cost of one evening at the movies. (Check out Gore’s blog for a piece addressing this earlier this year.) Couple this with the availability of high-quality home theater solutions, and you have no reason to wander out of your home to catch a flick.
Anti-Freeze: Have ushers carry around spike-studded billyclubs so they're ready when a cell phone goes off or a child gets unruly, provide noise-canceling headphones with the same surround sound experience and lower the damn ticket prices already. Or, you know, Smell-O-Vision.
12. Scarlett Johansson
Despite being a unique talent in Hollywood (boobs) with a distinctive voice (cleavage) and a strong work ethic (knockers), Scarlett can’t seem to find herself in any huge tits. We mean hits. The biggest hit of her career (breasts) came in a film where she barely said anything and opened with a title sequence on her pink-pantied bottom.
Anti-Freeze: A Playboy spread – then we can finally stop fantasizing about her chest.
13. Internet Hype
Internet hype can finally be exposed as the film industry equivalent of astrology. All the internet hype in the world delivered “Snakes on a Plane” up as a dud. “Borat” performed above expectations, but the inability to trust the internet buzz led to Fox cutting the film down to 800 screens opening weekend. So what value does internet hype and viral marketing really have?
Anti-Freeze: How about a direct correlation between an overly successful internet hype campaign and a successful box office for starters… and no, you can’t say “The Blair Witch Project.”
14. Samuel L. Jackson
Speaking of “Snakes on a Plane,” you stated, “You either want to see that film, or you don’t.” Bad news, Sammy…
Anti-Freeze: Show that bad-ass stare, whisper something poetic and then fly into a profanity-laced rage.
15. M. Night Shyamalan
Hey, your career is over. Is that the twist?
Anti-Freeze: Eat some cheesesteaks, run the Art Museum steps and start preparing for the comeback like every good Philly underdog.
16. Haley Joel Osment
I see DUI arrest. At least no one was hurt, but Haley, buddy, Brad Renfro’s life, as exciting as it may seem, is not the one to emulate.
Anti-Freeze: Find that Lipnicki kid and join forces to oust Owen Wilson and Ben Stiller from the buddy comedy upper-echelon.
17. Sharon Stone
After landing on Film Threat's 2004 Frigid 50, it was suggested that she show her bush again, and all would be forgiven. Unfortunately, she took the advice to heart and made "Basic Instinct 2," proving that we here at Film Threat can be very, very wrong.
Anti-Freeze: Whatever we put here will only encourage you to try it, so in true double-dare fashion we think you should push for an Allan Quatermain revival.
18. Women Over 40
It’s unfair that most female actors who find themselves above 40 seem to fall by the wayside (unless they’re British). But let’s face it, Hollywood is an industry built on youth. Check the statistics: the most popular age to be as a female is 15 on a webcam in your bedroom. Yes, even we think it’s creepy.
Anti-Freeze: Let yourself age gracefully, none of that “stapled forehead to the back of the neck, Botox injected lip-pillows, hair-colored to neon disaster” nonsense. If people get to see what 40+ year old ladies actually look like once in a while, they might get used to it.
19. George Lucas
Criticizing you went from fashionable to boring, so consider this your last licks from the Threat: You destroyed a legacy with the prequel films, you’re continually the wrench in the works whenever “Indiana Jones 4” is mentioned and you’ve shown nothing of these animated and live action “Star Wars” TV shows you’ve been yakking about for over a year.
Anti-Freeze: Release the original, unaltered trilogy on… oh, right, you did. Face it, George, you’re screwed. How about these three numbers – Episodes 7, 8 and 9.
20. Indiana Jones 4
Wait for it... wait for it... at this moment someone from an "esteemed" entertainment source is planning to release a rumor and/or statement from someone involved in the mythical Indiana Jones sequel that maybe they'll kind of, sort of, may, consider, considering, thinking about beginning the filming for the third sequel. Unless you can really freeze Harrison Ford in carbonite, time’s running out.
Anti-Freeze: Just film it, or else we’re jumping ship for Sharon Stone’s Allen Quartermain revival.
21. Madonna
When did it become fashionable to adopt children from other countries? Is there an orphan shortage in the US? Is this like orphan Pokemon, got to adopt them all? Yay! I got a Malawi, they can shoot fire!
Anti-Freeze: Stop stealing publicity stunts from Angelina Jolie.
22. Uwe Boll
Yes, Uwe, you proved you’re a better boxer than those that criticize your films. Your Dad can beat up our Dad, now here’s our lunch money, see you after school.
Anti-Freeze: It doesn’t matter. There’s no stopping him, and he just gave us a wedgie for even thinking about it.
23. Remakes
In the last five months alone, over sixty remakes of classic foreign films, Bollywood musicals, German thrillers, Russian horror films, Japanese horror films, Afghani epics and American classics have been green lit by the Weinstein’s, Platinum Dunes, and Nu Image. Currently on tap include remakes of "The Birds," "Day of the Dead," "Hellraiser," "The Invisible," "13 (Tzameti)" and so many more. It’s like there’s a magic movie Xerox machine running Hollywood.
Anti-Freeze: An original idea. If there are as many screenwriters out there as there are rumored to be (huddled in screenwriter shanty-towns outside of Starbucks), then there’s bound to be more than one original idea. Right?
24. George A. Romero
You were supposed to remind the world how zombie films were really made with “Land of the Dead,” but the end result was less than inspiring.
Anti-Freeze: Re-title your latest zombie attempt “The Red Shoe Diaries of the Dead” and really throw the world for a loop.
25. Sarah Michelle Gellar
You’re currently stuck in horror-maiden territory (“The Grudge,” “The Return”). Check under your kitchen table for a creepy kid, because the real “grudge” may be your career.
Anti-Freeze: What number is Joss Whedon on your speed dial?
26. Summer Movies
The 2006 Summer movie season was an exercise in wasted potential and lowered expectations. Almost every blockbuster came and went with a whimper, whether it was a “Last Stand,” a “Return” or a “Da Vinci Code.” Only “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest” held court as summer blockbusters are supposed to, and that came with less than a month left in the summer.
Anti-Freeze: Re-vive the drive-in. It doesn’t matter if the blockbuster season is weak when you’re watching three films for $8 while tailgating with friends.
27. Bryan Singer
You left the “X-Men” franchise to collapse under the weight of its own failed expectations (and Brett Ratner), and you brought a “Superman” film to the multiplexes that re-imagined the Man of Steel as a peeping Tom obsessed with Lois Lane (and little else). Whatever comic book credibility you had disappeared the second Lex Luthor threw the first crystal into the water.
Anti-Freeze: Quit the “Superman” franchise too, show you’re nothing if not randomly insubordinate.
28. Brandon Routh
Look, up there in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s – a flash in the pan? The new Superman didn’t quite leap the A-list in a single bound. The lack of public enthusiasm for Routh might suggest the Curse of the Red Cape struck a bit early in his career.
Anti-Freeze: Show an emotion. Smile, frown, something so we know that you’re real.
29. Jessica Simpson
Wow, a blonde with big breasts playing a blonde ditz in “That 70’s Show,” a blonde ditz in “The Dukes of Hazzard,” and a blonde ditz in “Employee of the Month.” Her next rumored role? Starring as a blonde ditz in a film entitled “Blonde Ambition.”
Anti-Freeze: Who’re we kidding, if you’re in a swimsuit or short-shorts, we’re there. But you do have Vulcan-looking ears, so perhaps you should try for the part of Yeoman Rand in the re-invented “Star Trek” franchise.
30. Dane Cook
You’ve sold millions of comedy CDs, you’ve got an HBO special where you packed a sports arena and you’ve created your own addition to sign language (SuFi), but “Employee of the Month” wasn’t very hot, my friend. Some stand-up comedians should just be stand-up comedians.
Anti-Freeze: Harness the energy of your MySpace fans and plan the ultimate bank heist. Remember to bring the monkey.
31. DVDs / HD-DVD / Blu-Ray
It’s the battle for the end of the format! The one that comes out on top should have at least two weeks before everyone moves on to HD download-on-demand through their cable or internet. BitTorrents, MP3s… the kids coming up just do not have an attachment to a physical medium.
Anti-Freeze: Drop the price, offer more content and shorten the release window. That should extend the lifespan of DVDs in any format for a bit longer.
32. Steve Martin/Robin Williams/Adam Sandler
Martin went from genius to remake-aholic; Williams manages to bring the same performance despite portraying every type of character ever conceived in any genre, live-action or animation; and Sandler is two-note – either the quiet, lovable schlub or the loud-mouthed lovable schlub. Why does this bother us? Because you were all funny until you got so comfortable with life, and we miss your greatness.
Anti-Freeze: A celebrity sex tape entitled “Hairy, Screamy and Frosty.”
33. Jessica Alba
In her own words, "What happens when the looks fade? If I don't establish myself as someone who can act a part rather than look the part, I will soon be finished." Which is why she played a stripper in “Sin City,” cavorted in a bikini throughout “Into the Blue” and flashed her undies in “Fantastic Four.”
Anti-Freeze: As much as it hurts, a couple cameos in films where the clothes stay on and the acting is allowed to develop organically. Oh, too serious an answer? How about a bikini endorsement deal?
34. Cameron Diaz
You’ve become a CGI princess for all of eternity. “There’s Something About Mary,” “The Mask,” “Charlie’s Angels”… they’re gone now.
Anti-Freeze: Stick with the “Shrek” films. The writing is better and you don’t have to worry about anyone accusing you of getting by on your looks like that Jessica Alba person.
35. Wrestlers as Actors
Wrestlers-turned-actors hasn’t always been a bad idea. The tomfoolery started with Lenny Montana’s turn as Luca Brazzi in “The Godfather,” moved into a “Rocky” grappling Hulk Hogan, and brilliantly peaked with Andre the Giant in “The Princess Bride.” In recent years, however, the charm has worn off. The Rock made a respectable go of it, but failed in “Doom” and “Be Cool.” Kane got his own tepid movie in “See No Evil” and now the world gets to see John “The Marine” Cena? Sorry, but it stops here.
Anti-Freeze: “Mick Foley: The Movie” starring Ron Jeremy.
36. Uma Thurman
You killed Bill, and then what? “My Super Ex-Girlfriend?” That’s like saving someone’s life just to stab them in the gut.
Anti-Freeze: Call Quentin up, see if he’s just joshing about that Vega Brothers nonsense and start brainstorming a new film.
37. Tim Allen
For some reason all of Allen’s major theatrical motion pictures just have that smell of direct-to-DVD all over them. And they’re just as forgettable. You went from the epitome of clueless male in “Home Improvement” to a staple in children’s flicks. This grunts for you, former awesome guy.
Anti-Freeze: Just become the real Santa Claus already.
38. Will Ferrell
Frank the Tank’s problem is that every one of his comedic roles is a variation on the same slightly dim protagonist who gets laughs by hollering a lot. “Stranger Than Fiction” showed he has more range.
Anti-Freeze: Get serious.
39. Eva Longoria
TV popularity doesn’t necessarily translate to big screen success (hence no “Baywatch” or “Xena” movies…yet). If her performances in “The Sentinel” and “Harsh Times” are any indication, Longoria better pray that she doesn’t get killed off on “Desperate Housewives.”
Anti-Freeze: Marry a Count, so you can be forever known as the ravishing Countess Eva Longoria.
40. Woody Allen
Woody continues to release one movie a year, regardless of originality or quality. This year’s output was “Scoop,” and that’s what we did when we found the film in the litter box.
Anti-Freeze: You’re already the most prolific professional filmmaker; why not take a year or two to really develop a project.
41. Denise Richards
Camera-shy Denise paused during the shooting of "Blonde and Blonder" in a Vancouver suburb to hurl a laptop at some annoying paparazzi. Unfortunately she missed her target and an unsuspecting elderly woman in a wheelchair wound up getting hit instead.
Anti-Freeze: You hit an old lady in a wheelchair! The only way to spin that into a positive is to prove the old lady was Charlie Sheen.
42. Jack Black
Answering the question, "How long can one man stretch out a particular gag?" is Jack Black. Granted, “Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny” looks great, and maybe Jared Hess is more to blame for the lack of laughs in “Nacho Libre,” but we're not in the business of cutting people slack. Put your shirt on.
Anti-Freeze: What did we just say?
43. Drew Barrymore
You weren’t around in 2006, and that has everyone worried. Consider this designation more of a life-raft. Respond to this, let us know you’re okay.
Anti-Freeze: Make a movie, let people know you’re alive, anything.
44. Printed Magazines
Print is dead. Remember when people used to read stories printed on something called paper made from ground up trees? Nowadays it’s all about RSS feeds and bloggers.
Anti-Freeze: Keep giving away perfume samples; that seems to be the only thing you can’t get for free on the internet.
45. Jodie Foster
Remember when Jodie Foster used to win Academy Awards for deep, complex performances? That was before she tried to reinvent herself into a gonad-kicking tough broad with action-heavy flicks like “Panic Room,” “Flightplan” and “Inside Man.” We miss the old Jodie, the one who could sleep with a priest in “Contact” and make it seem okay.
Anti-Freeze: Stay the action route, but consider “Taxi Driver 2.” Travis has been kidnapped by a drug dealer and only a grown up Iris can save him.
46. Brian De Palma
It's too bad Hitchcock never made a film about the Black Dahlia Murders, because then De Palma could have taken from it and made a good film. And now an “Untouchables” prequel?
Anti-Freeze: If you’ve got to re-visit you past, try restoring the “Mission Impossible” franchise to a more cerebral level. Save yourself and Tom Cruise.
47. Nicolas Cage
When you find yourself in a bear suit karate-kicking women who worship bees, it's time to sit down with your agent and re-think your career.
Anti-Freeze: Make your own Superman movie. We know you want to, you even named your kid Kal-El.
48. Mark Ruffalo
When he plays to his strengths, he’s rocking “You Can Count on Me;” otherwise it feels like every performance is a variation on “I Walked with a Zombie.” You’ve got greatness in you, Mark. Don’t sedate it.
Anti-Freeze: Get cast in a remake of “I Walked with a Zombie.”
49. Patrick Swayze
The 50-year-old dirty dancer emerged from obscurity for unsolicited support on Mel Gibson's booze-and-Jews rant. Swayze was the rare Hollywood “name” to defend Mad Mel, blandly stating: "I feel really bad for Mel. People say stupid things when they happen to have a few...hands deserved to be slapped if you do something stupid, but don't take it too far." He then proceeded to say something about backing Baby in a corner and started making a clay pot.
Anti-Freeze: Convince your brother Don to go on “Dancing with the Stars” as your partner, and turn the world on its ear.
50. Paul Giamatti
It's not your fault. Nobody could predict that “The Hawk Is Dying” would be such ponderous crap, or that “Lady in the Water” would be a disaster of “Heaven’s Gate”-Cimino-esque proportions...okay, so maybe some of us could. Nevertheless, you're better than that. Consider this your written warning.
Anti-Freeze: You've earned the right to be selective about your roles. So select better already.
51. Colin Farrell
It’s been two years since his penis made the Frigid 50, and it looks like he finally followed his prodigious member into the room. Colin joins the Frigid this year as the question remains: how does he do it? He makes bomb (“The Recruit”) after bomb (“S.W.A.T.”) after bomb (“The New World”) after bomb (“Alexander”), yet he still commands big salaries and media attention.
Anti-Freeze: Call Spielberg up. You may’ve played second fiddle to Tom Cruise in the past (“Minority Report”), but chances are that won’t happen this time around.
Yeah, so we have 51, it was a good, er bad year.
------------------------------------------
Just felt like posting this.
The good news is that Mel finally has something in common with the most popular man in America. The bad news is that Borat hates Jews too. In even worse news, Borat is fictional and he was joking. With Mel, we’re not quite sure.
During his now historical 2006 DUI arrest, Mel claimed he “owns Malibu,” resisted arrest, called a female officer “sugar-tits” and, in keeping with the latent anti-Semitic tendencies he had been denying for so long, asked the arresting officers if they were Jewish, following up with, “Fucking Jews... The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world.” The explosion you heard? That was Mel’s career.
He apologized, he got sick of apologizing, he refused to apologize anymore, he didn't want to address the issue, he spoke on nationally broadcast news shows, he spoke at synagogues, he met with Jewish Officials. But in the end, in all his “I’m really not anti-Semitic” posturing, he never bothered to address how irresponsible he was for driving under the influence in the first place. And now he’s got a new movie opening, “Apocalypto,” and the question becomes: who cares?
Anti-Freeze: Entered rehab? Check. Apologized to studio heads? Check. You’ll bounce back, Mel. And for your next film, team up with Sacha Baron Cohen for a “Borat” sequel that takes the two of you on a wacky road trip to Israel, home of the horned devils themselves.
2. Jennifer Aniston
We’ll be there for you, as the films start to bomb. Chin up, 2006 was a horrible year for you at the box office and the tabloids, but “The Break-Up” did own the top spot for a week during the summer. That’s something, right?
Anti-Freeze: Get a new haircut. It’s always worked for you in the past.
3. Borat
How can the top box office winner for two straight weeks be on the Frigid 50 already? Simple: there’s no future for Borat. The surprise-faux-documentary filmmaking style won’t work a second time, the participants of the first film keep bringing lawsuits and Borat has gone from cute and misunderstood to recognizable and annoying, even getting physically assaulted in NYC after his “Saturday Night Live” taping.
Anti-Freeze: We’re serious about teaming up with Mel Gibson in the Holy Land; it may be the only way Borat can live on.
4. Lindsay Lohan
My girl wants to party all the time, party all the time, party all the time. Coming to set late due to “exhaustion,” cracking up cars after “Herbie” flashbacks and paparazzi-wrangling and getting a note sent home from the principal, er, producer of a major studio has Lindsay using her career to cool her martini. What are you, a kid or something?
Anti-Freeze: Pace yourself, drink lots of water and hit the Tylenol before you fall asleep. And don’t worry, we’ve all been there.
5. Wesley Snipes
The Daywalker’s phony passport a year ago was apparently the call for help, and now he’s been indicted on 8 counts of tax fraud totaling over $12 million owed to the US government.
Anti-Freeze: Always bet on black. Perhaps you can win back the money you owe the government.
6. Mark Cuban
Hey, how about releasing a movie simultaneously in theaters, on DVD, and on TV? We’ve got a better idea – how about flushing money down the toilet – the results would be the same. Steven Soderbergh's "Bubble," the first and probably last movie designed for such a release, literally burst upon impact in this cockamamie distribution scheme back in January. Not surprisingly, Cuban is spending more time watching the Dallas Mavericks and screaming about Google’s acquisition of YouTube than rewriting the laws of distribution.
Anti-Freeze: Think outside the traditional theatrical release and shuck DVDs for internet download-on-demand.
7. Tara Reid
Don’t feel bad about the botched breast surgery; you have to embrace that which makes you different. Show them off, draw smiley faces on them, perform plays for sick children with them… own your dysfunction. There, done crying? Good, now let’s talk about your nonexistent movie career…
Anti-Freeze: Thunderdome between Reid and Paris Hilton, televised on Pay-Per-View, with the winner receiving line cutting privileges at every major club in Los Angeles.
8. Lonelygirl15
Everyone pines for that big break, and thanks to the internet Lonelygirl15 went from being an out-of-work actress pretending to be a 15 year-old videoblogger to being an extremely popular out-of-work actress pretending to be a 15 year-old videoblogger. All this ultimately proved was the theory that most people on the internet want to watch a 15 year-old girl in her bedroom talking on a webcam. Creepy, ain’t it?
Anti-Freeze: Change your name, never cop to being Lonelygirl15 in the future and pay your dues like every other actor out there.
9. Movie Critics
Roger Ebert, a national treasure and America’s last great critic, hasn’t written a review since the summer. Ebert is quietly recovering even while his show continues with a slew of guest hosts. But honestly, who cares what critics think? Not you - you people helped crap like “X-Men: The Last Stand” gross $200 million in spite of what the critics said; and not movie studios, who are making critics increasingly irrelevant by refusing to screen more and more movies in advance. The word is out: the real critics to listen to are the audience, and with everyone and their mother writing blogs or running their own website, the days of the elitist critic are over. I mean, the fact that all the “writers” on the Film Threat web site hold day jobs should tell you something – we’re either lousy critics or realists. And Chris Gore? Have you read a review from this guy?
Anti-Freeze: Hope Roger Ebert has a full and healthy recovery, cementing the place of film criticism for as long as he draws breath. Get well Roger. We love you and you are missed!
10. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes
The King and Queen of the 2005 Frigid 50 find themselves as frozen as ever. Tom got ousted from one studio just to try and resurrect another after a short dalliance with the owner of the Washington Redskins, while Katie has no film career to speak of since giving birth to their child.
Anti-Freeze: Teach Suri to sing as soon as possible and start traveling the country as “The Aristocrats.”
11. The Movie Theater Experience
Going to the movies isn't the pleasure it once was, when cell phones weren't so pervasive, when parents knew how to discipline their children in public and when a ticket along with parking and refreshments didn't cost more than your monthly rent. Now you can buy three DVDs for the cost of one evening at the movies. (Check out Gore’s blog for a piece addressing this earlier this year.) Couple this with the availability of high-quality home theater solutions, and you have no reason to wander out of your home to catch a flick.
Anti-Freeze: Have ushers carry around spike-studded billyclubs so they're ready when a cell phone goes off or a child gets unruly, provide noise-canceling headphones with the same surround sound experience and lower the damn ticket prices already. Or, you know, Smell-O-Vision.
12. Scarlett Johansson
Despite being a unique talent in Hollywood (boobs) with a distinctive voice (cleavage) and a strong work ethic (knockers), Scarlett can’t seem to find herself in any huge tits. We mean hits. The biggest hit of her career (breasts) came in a film where she barely said anything and opened with a title sequence on her pink-pantied bottom.
Anti-Freeze: A Playboy spread – then we can finally stop fantasizing about her chest.
13. Internet Hype
Internet hype can finally be exposed as the film industry equivalent of astrology. All the internet hype in the world delivered “Snakes on a Plane” up as a dud. “Borat” performed above expectations, but the inability to trust the internet buzz led to Fox cutting the film down to 800 screens opening weekend. So what value does internet hype and viral marketing really have?
Anti-Freeze: How about a direct correlation between an overly successful internet hype campaign and a successful box office for starters… and no, you can’t say “The Blair Witch Project.”
14. Samuel L. Jackson
Speaking of “Snakes on a Plane,” you stated, “You either want to see that film, or you don’t.” Bad news, Sammy…
Anti-Freeze: Show that bad-ass stare, whisper something poetic and then fly into a profanity-laced rage.
15. M. Night Shyamalan
Hey, your career is over. Is that the twist?
Anti-Freeze: Eat some cheesesteaks, run the Art Museum steps and start preparing for the comeback like every good Philly underdog.
16. Haley Joel Osment
I see DUI arrest. At least no one was hurt, but Haley, buddy, Brad Renfro’s life, as exciting as it may seem, is not the one to emulate.
Anti-Freeze: Find that Lipnicki kid and join forces to oust Owen Wilson and Ben Stiller from the buddy comedy upper-echelon.
17. Sharon Stone
After landing on Film Threat's 2004 Frigid 50, it was suggested that she show her bush again, and all would be forgiven. Unfortunately, she took the advice to heart and made "Basic Instinct 2," proving that we here at Film Threat can be very, very wrong.
Anti-Freeze: Whatever we put here will only encourage you to try it, so in true double-dare fashion we think you should push for an Allan Quatermain revival.
18. Women Over 40
It’s unfair that most female actors who find themselves above 40 seem to fall by the wayside (unless they’re British). But let’s face it, Hollywood is an industry built on youth. Check the statistics: the most popular age to be as a female is 15 on a webcam in your bedroom. Yes, even we think it’s creepy.
Anti-Freeze: Let yourself age gracefully, none of that “stapled forehead to the back of the neck, Botox injected lip-pillows, hair-colored to neon disaster” nonsense. If people get to see what 40+ year old ladies actually look like once in a while, they might get used to it.
19. George Lucas
Criticizing you went from fashionable to boring, so consider this your last licks from the Threat: You destroyed a legacy with the prequel films, you’re continually the wrench in the works whenever “Indiana Jones 4” is mentioned and you’ve shown nothing of these animated and live action “Star Wars” TV shows you’ve been yakking about for over a year.
Anti-Freeze: Release the original, unaltered trilogy on… oh, right, you did. Face it, George, you’re screwed. How about these three numbers – Episodes 7, 8 and 9.
20. Indiana Jones 4
Wait for it... wait for it... at this moment someone from an "esteemed" entertainment source is planning to release a rumor and/or statement from someone involved in the mythical Indiana Jones sequel that maybe they'll kind of, sort of, may, consider, considering, thinking about beginning the filming for the third sequel. Unless you can really freeze Harrison Ford in carbonite, time’s running out.
Anti-Freeze: Just film it, or else we’re jumping ship for Sharon Stone’s Allen Quartermain revival.
21. Madonna
When did it become fashionable to adopt children from other countries? Is there an orphan shortage in the US? Is this like orphan Pokemon, got to adopt them all? Yay! I got a Malawi, they can shoot fire!
Anti-Freeze: Stop stealing publicity stunts from Angelina Jolie.
22. Uwe Boll
Yes, Uwe, you proved you’re a better boxer than those that criticize your films. Your Dad can beat up our Dad, now here’s our lunch money, see you after school.
Anti-Freeze: It doesn’t matter. There’s no stopping him, and he just gave us a wedgie for even thinking about it.
23. Remakes
In the last five months alone, over sixty remakes of classic foreign films, Bollywood musicals, German thrillers, Russian horror films, Japanese horror films, Afghani epics and American classics have been green lit by the Weinstein’s, Platinum Dunes, and Nu Image. Currently on tap include remakes of "The Birds," "Day of the Dead," "Hellraiser," "The Invisible," "13 (Tzameti)" and so many more. It’s like there’s a magic movie Xerox machine running Hollywood.
Anti-Freeze: An original idea. If there are as many screenwriters out there as there are rumored to be (huddled in screenwriter shanty-towns outside of Starbucks), then there’s bound to be more than one original idea. Right?
24. George A. Romero
You were supposed to remind the world how zombie films were really made with “Land of the Dead,” but the end result was less than inspiring.
Anti-Freeze: Re-title your latest zombie attempt “The Red Shoe Diaries of the Dead” and really throw the world for a loop.
25. Sarah Michelle Gellar
You’re currently stuck in horror-maiden territory (“The Grudge,” “The Return”). Check under your kitchen table for a creepy kid, because the real “grudge” may be your career.
Anti-Freeze: What number is Joss Whedon on your speed dial?
26. Summer Movies
The 2006 Summer movie season was an exercise in wasted potential and lowered expectations. Almost every blockbuster came and went with a whimper, whether it was a “Last Stand,” a “Return” or a “Da Vinci Code.” Only “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest” held court as summer blockbusters are supposed to, and that came with less than a month left in the summer.
Anti-Freeze: Re-vive the drive-in. It doesn’t matter if the blockbuster season is weak when you’re watching three films for $8 while tailgating with friends.
27. Bryan Singer
You left the “X-Men” franchise to collapse under the weight of its own failed expectations (and Brett Ratner), and you brought a “Superman” film to the multiplexes that re-imagined the Man of Steel as a peeping Tom obsessed with Lois Lane (and little else). Whatever comic book credibility you had disappeared the second Lex Luthor threw the first crystal into the water.
Anti-Freeze: Quit the “Superman” franchise too, show you’re nothing if not randomly insubordinate.
28. Brandon Routh
Look, up there in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s – a flash in the pan? The new Superman didn’t quite leap the A-list in a single bound. The lack of public enthusiasm for Routh might suggest the Curse of the Red Cape struck a bit early in his career.
Anti-Freeze: Show an emotion. Smile, frown, something so we know that you’re real.
29. Jessica Simpson
Wow, a blonde with big breasts playing a blonde ditz in “That 70’s Show,” a blonde ditz in “The Dukes of Hazzard,” and a blonde ditz in “Employee of the Month.” Her next rumored role? Starring as a blonde ditz in a film entitled “Blonde Ambition.”
Anti-Freeze: Who’re we kidding, if you’re in a swimsuit or short-shorts, we’re there. But you do have Vulcan-looking ears, so perhaps you should try for the part of Yeoman Rand in the re-invented “Star Trek” franchise.
30. Dane Cook
You’ve sold millions of comedy CDs, you’ve got an HBO special where you packed a sports arena and you’ve created your own addition to sign language (SuFi), but “Employee of the Month” wasn’t very hot, my friend. Some stand-up comedians should just be stand-up comedians.
Anti-Freeze: Harness the energy of your MySpace fans and plan the ultimate bank heist. Remember to bring the monkey.
31. DVDs / HD-DVD / Blu-Ray
It’s the battle for the end of the format! The one that comes out on top should have at least two weeks before everyone moves on to HD download-on-demand through their cable or internet. BitTorrents, MP3s… the kids coming up just do not have an attachment to a physical medium.
Anti-Freeze: Drop the price, offer more content and shorten the release window. That should extend the lifespan of DVDs in any format for a bit longer.
32. Steve Martin/Robin Williams/Adam Sandler
Martin went from genius to remake-aholic; Williams manages to bring the same performance despite portraying every type of character ever conceived in any genre, live-action or animation; and Sandler is two-note – either the quiet, lovable schlub or the loud-mouthed lovable schlub. Why does this bother us? Because you were all funny until you got so comfortable with life, and we miss your greatness.
Anti-Freeze: A celebrity sex tape entitled “Hairy, Screamy and Frosty.”
33. Jessica Alba
In her own words, "What happens when the looks fade? If I don't establish myself as someone who can act a part rather than look the part, I will soon be finished." Which is why she played a stripper in “Sin City,” cavorted in a bikini throughout “Into the Blue” and flashed her undies in “Fantastic Four.”
Anti-Freeze: As much as it hurts, a couple cameos in films where the clothes stay on and the acting is allowed to develop organically. Oh, too serious an answer? How about a bikini endorsement deal?
34. Cameron Diaz
You’ve become a CGI princess for all of eternity. “There’s Something About Mary,” “The Mask,” “Charlie’s Angels”… they’re gone now.
Anti-Freeze: Stick with the “Shrek” films. The writing is better and you don’t have to worry about anyone accusing you of getting by on your looks like that Jessica Alba person.
35. Wrestlers as Actors
Wrestlers-turned-actors hasn’t always been a bad idea. The tomfoolery started with Lenny Montana’s turn as Luca Brazzi in “The Godfather,” moved into a “Rocky” grappling Hulk Hogan, and brilliantly peaked with Andre the Giant in “The Princess Bride.” In recent years, however, the charm has worn off. The Rock made a respectable go of it, but failed in “Doom” and “Be Cool.” Kane got his own tepid movie in “See No Evil” and now the world gets to see John “The Marine” Cena? Sorry, but it stops here.
Anti-Freeze: “Mick Foley: The Movie” starring Ron Jeremy.
36. Uma Thurman
You killed Bill, and then what? “My Super Ex-Girlfriend?” That’s like saving someone’s life just to stab them in the gut.
Anti-Freeze: Call Quentin up, see if he’s just joshing about that Vega Brothers nonsense and start brainstorming a new film.
37. Tim Allen
For some reason all of Allen’s major theatrical motion pictures just have that smell of direct-to-DVD all over them. And they’re just as forgettable. You went from the epitome of clueless male in “Home Improvement” to a staple in children’s flicks. This grunts for you, former awesome guy.
Anti-Freeze: Just become the real Santa Claus already.
38. Will Ferrell
Frank the Tank’s problem is that every one of his comedic roles is a variation on the same slightly dim protagonist who gets laughs by hollering a lot. “Stranger Than Fiction” showed he has more range.
Anti-Freeze: Get serious.
39. Eva Longoria
TV popularity doesn’t necessarily translate to big screen success (hence no “Baywatch” or “Xena” movies…yet). If her performances in “The Sentinel” and “Harsh Times” are any indication, Longoria better pray that she doesn’t get killed off on “Desperate Housewives.”
Anti-Freeze: Marry a Count, so you can be forever known as the ravishing Countess Eva Longoria.
40. Woody Allen
Woody continues to release one movie a year, regardless of originality or quality. This year’s output was “Scoop,” and that’s what we did when we found the film in the litter box.
Anti-Freeze: You’re already the most prolific professional filmmaker; why not take a year or two to really develop a project.
41. Denise Richards
Camera-shy Denise paused during the shooting of "Blonde and Blonder" in a Vancouver suburb to hurl a laptop at some annoying paparazzi. Unfortunately she missed her target and an unsuspecting elderly woman in a wheelchair wound up getting hit instead.
Anti-Freeze: You hit an old lady in a wheelchair! The only way to spin that into a positive is to prove the old lady was Charlie Sheen.
42. Jack Black
Answering the question, "How long can one man stretch out a particular gag?" is Jack Black. Granted, “Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny” looks great, and maybe Jared Hess is more to blame for the lack of laughs in “Nacho Libre,” but we're not in the business of cutting people slack. Put your shirt on.
Anti-Freeze: What did we just say?
43. Drew Barrymore
You weren’t around in 2006, and that has everyone worried. Consider this designation more of a life-raft. Respond to this, let us know you’re okay.
Anti-Freeze: Make a movie, let people know you’re alive, anything.
44. Printed Magazines
Print is dead. Remember when people used to read stories printed on something called paper made from ground up trees? Nowadays it’s all about RSS feeds and bloggers.
Anti-Freeze: Keep giving away perfume samples; that seems to be the only thing you can’t get for free on the internet.
45. Jodie Foster
Remember when Jodie Foster used to win Academy Awards for deep, complex performances? That was before she tried to reinvent herself into a gonad-kicking tough broad with action-heavy flicks like “Panic Room,” “Flightplan” and “Inside Man.” We miss the old Jodie, the one who could sleep with a priest in “Contact” and make it seem okay.
Anti-Freeze: Stay the action route, but consider “Taxi Driver 2.” Travis has been kidnapped by a drug dealer and only a grown up Iris can save him.
46. Brian De Palma
It's too bad Hitchcock never made a film about the Black Dahlia Murders, because then De Palma could have taken from it and made a good film. And now an “Untouchables” prequel?
Anti-Freeze: If you’ve got to re-visit you past, try restoring the “Mission Impossible” franchise to a more cerebral level. Save yourself and Tom Cruise.
47. Nicolas Cage
When you find yourself in a bear suit karate-kicking women who worship bees, it's time to sit down with your agent and re-think your career.
Anti-Freeze: Make your own Superman movie. We know you want to, you even named your kid Kal-El.
48. Mark Ruffalo
When he plays to his strengths, he’s rocking “You Can Count on Me;” otherwise it feels like every performance is a variation on “I Walked with a Zombie.” You’ve got greatness in you, Mark. Don’t sedate it.
Anti-Freeze: Get cast in a remake of “I Walked with a Zombie.”
49. Patrick Swayze
The 50-year-old dirty dancer emerged from obscurity for unsolicited support on Mel Gibson's booze-and-Jews rant. Swayze was the rare Hollywood “name” to defend Mad Mel, blandly stating: "I feel really bad for Mel. People say stupid things when they happen to have a few...hands deserved to be slapped if you do something stupid, but don't take it too far." He then proceeded to say something about backing Baby in a corner and started making a clay pot.
Anti-Freeze: Convince your brother Don to go on “Dancing with the Stars” as your partner, and turn the world on its ear.
50. Paul Giamatti
It's not your fault. Nobody could predict that “The Hawk Is Dying” would be such ponderous crap, or that “Lady in the Water” would be a disaster of “Heaven’s Gate”-Cimino-esque proportions...okay, so maybe some of us could. Nevertheless, you're better than that. Consider this your written warning.
Anti-Freeze: You've earned the right to be selective about your roles. So select better already.
51. Colin Farrell
It’s been two years since his penis made the Frigid 50, and it looks like he finally followed his prodigious member into the room. Colin joins the Frigid this year as the question remains: how does he do it? He makes bomb (“The Recruit”) after bomb (“S.W.A.T.”) after bomb (“The New World”) after bomb (“Alexander”), yet he still commands big salaries and media attention.
Anti-Freeze: Call Spielberg up. You may’ve played second fiddle to Tom Cruise in the past (“Minority Report”), but chances are that won’t happen this time around.
Yeah, so we have 51, it was a good, er bad year.
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Just felt like posting this.
